Death and resurrection

It has been a week of emotional ups and downs.  I guess I was processing the grief for Will's grandma on a rational level, being grateful that she didn't have to live with paralysis, pain, etc; she was in pretty good health right up until the end; and her last days were spent surrounded by friends and family and the caring hospice staff.  In my faith tradition, this is a time for celebration alongside grief, because Betty is now in God's presence.  It's complicated.  I felt guilty on some level for rejoicing in her death, and for accepting people's sympathy when I didn't honestly feel a sense of loss.


That changed today, when one person after another at church offered their sympathies and condolences, and then a wave of emotion hit me.  I was on the verge of tears all morning, and they spilled out a couple of times.


Later I stood outside for a while with the sun blazing down on my bare arms, and Will and I spotted some sprouts coming up already in the flower bed.  It is a comfort to see how the earth continues to renew itself, and life springs eternal.

One other aspect of this has been hard on me: it made me think about losing Will.  Statistically I will outlive him by about 10 years - and now I am able to imagine the experience of his death quite vividly.  It knocks the wind out of me, and makes me want to throw up, every time I think about it.  He has been so supportive of his mom, and I trust that my boys will learn from their dad's example, and be there for me (or him) some day when it is our turn.